I just recently celebrated my birthday. Following the pattern of the last several years the day was proceeded by several weeks of anxiety. The underlying feeling / thought is “What have I gotten myself into.” Probably not articulated quite like that in the womb but none the less that's how it feels these days. I use this time to look at what my life is and has been up to this point. This year had a different dimension to it because it was my sixty year celebration. And having gone through pre-birthday angst for several years I was getting a little impatient with myself. Okay, I say to myself, this is the same stuff you think every year at about this time. That being what can I do to make my life – my spiritual life – deeper, fuller more meaningful – more a part of my everyday and not something I keep thinking is going to come to me in some magical way. What, oh what can I do? Truth be told there is that little feeling in the back of my mind that knows what needs to be done. Whatever it is is something that requires work and not just wishing. Always before I have set up practices for myself that within a few weeks, at best, fall by the wayside and I didn't want that to be the same this year. Also, in years past, whatever I set up for myself didn't require the knowledge of anyone else and even if I told someone they usually could not know if I was carrying out my practice. They were always things like meditating each day, painting, doing an LRS reading, working with the Beacon inductions or other such things. Always done in the privacy of my own home. So, this year I decided to make it public. So far it has proven to be a good plan.
Not talking in the kitchen has already begun to effect the rest of my life. I find that I am less likely to blurt whatever is in my head to the nearest person. I consider whether the thing needs to be said at all or if I'm just saying something to fill up the silence. Most of the time I find the words can stay where they are – in my head. Seems that really there isn't that much that needs saying. A sigh of relief from the burden of social interaction can be heard coming from some part of myself. More space is available and a calm foundation reside within.
